ouro_boros

 While there's nobody here (and I am aware this is visible to anyone who comes), I just want to say: grief is so fucking hard. It's painful, and it sucks ass in every form it takes. And the kind I'm in right now, mourning someone I didn't know? That really fucking sucks too. I loved her a lot, but I never met her. We never spoke outside of brief interactions on her blog, and yet she influenced my life so deeply and so permanently in the most physical way. She kept me alive, she was Adulthood and Creative Success in the Face of Capitalism, she was kindness. Kindness to people she didn't know and people who said some shitty stuff to her. And somehow she died.

A big part of grief, according to movies and TV, is the bit where you look upwards and ask whoever's listening "why them?" And more important than that, the bit where you say "this isn't fair" over and over and never really stop. She was a piano teacher and an artist. How could that ever be fair? How can I rationalize that to myself?

There is some poetic reflection, in how she died and I lived while we were both held at gunpoint by our own bodies. But she didn't know me. And I didn't know her. And I never will.

I'm glad that I got to thank her. I'm glad that I gave her gifts and wrote for her. I wish I'd given her more.